I am an organized pack rat of sorts. I hold onto anything that at one time meant anything to me. I am perfectly fine owning such said condition. It is part of who I am. I have letters from friends in the 6th grade declaring crushes on boys in my class (Brett Clanton was dreamy) and mentionings of stupid classroom lessons that Mrs. Arbaugh gave to us...although, she is the one who first taught about the dangers of mixing bleach with other cleaning chemicals and I diligently apply that lesson to daily cleaning activities...thank you Mrs. Arbaugh.
I have boxes (yes, that is plural) of hand written journal entries from the age of 6 and on...with everything important that has happened in my life up until now. I have written about school crushes and high school boyfriends...best friends and enemies...about when I fell in love for the first time and when my heart was later broken and a couple of times when I was the heart-breaker. I have written about when I met my husband 14 years ago and our engagement which led to our wedding...when my children were born...letters to them fill some of the pages and then I have pages and pages of the heartache and loneliness that filled many days of my struggling marriage. Reading those pages today still make me cry and feel so sorry for that girl that I used to be. ( I wish I could go back and let that girl that I was know that she will be okay with time and find Mr C to live happily ever after with). Those pages eventually led to include my divorce and the sadness and confusion that accompanied that change.
There are sad pages when when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and got so sick that I had to consider an Earthy future without him. Those pages are crinkled and are sorta noisy when you turn them to the next...there are dried tears on them. I still can't reread those pages yet. I write in my journal with one of my dad's old pens that my mother gave to me after he died. It is my favorite pen and I will hold onto it forever because I know his hands once used the same ink.
Pages and pages of memories of my children so small and delicate. Words about funny things they have done or overwhelming feelings of motherhood. The stories about things my kids would do are fun to reread and I love to share those with them. They like to pretend that they remember exactly what I am talking about...even though they were just a year old.
I have quotes that have special meaning to me...I write them down everywhere...journals included.
I love the pages that I wrote when Mr C and I started dating. I can't read them without smiling. When I do read them...I can feel exactly what I felt then...2 years ago. Giddy with love and excitement...the feeling of truly knowing without doubt that I was with my future...and an uncontrollable desire to make this relationship work since my last one got so badly off track. I have written letters to Mr C as well inside the binding...I have even given him 1 or 2 of them when we went over a couple of bumps in our road...they greatly helped to even out the pavement.
Today...I write about my inspirations...my children...my mother's move to Vegas and how she is still so sad after my dad passing almost 3 years ago...my sister and my worries for her (I worry about her even if there is nothing to worry about... like now)...I write about my children and my Mr C and our future...my pages have ideas on them that only my heart and head knows about...it keeps secrets of insecurities and confessions from my heart...it is my spirit on paper. I always imagine my children...when they are grown with children of their own...coming across these books of my life and opening the crinkled pages and learning about who I was inside.
What I write about on paper is true to what is floating in my head...and as close as you can possibly get to what is in my heart. I am so grateful that early on got into the habit of chronicling my life.
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5 comments:
You're so good about that! You're so lucky to have all those years written down so you can remember them! I wish I would've kept journals like you do! Reading about what you have written really makes me wish I had those same things recorded in my journal. I am so bad about that. Maybe I will start again! Never too late to start, right? :)
what a treasure to have all those written pages, you and your children will cherish them. Thanks for sharing this, I really enjoyed reading this post, gave me more insight into who you are, and I have to say your write really well!
Oh wow. I think that is so cool. To be able to go back and re-read and remember. I have a really terrible long term memory so there is so much I don't remember from being a kid. It's kind of sad!
I love this post! :) You have a way with words! Always have! Thats why your journals are going to be so great for the kids to read them years from now!
what a legacy you have already created with all your journaling. i have tried to do the same, but often times not as much as i'd like.
this year i vowed to write a little something everday, even somethign as little as what i cooked for dinner.
the other evening i was sitting at my desk journaling & two of my girls walked in and said somethign about that...hopefully they will too.
blessings to you
xo
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